...a degree in grocery...

Since I retired in May, I find myself with more time on my hands to broaden my horizons.  That coupled with an urge (guilt) to contribute more around the house drove me to the decision to take over the grocery shopping.  Heck, how hard can it be to swing by Jewel for food, drink and other supplies. Boy, do I have a lot to learn.  My first few months have exposed me to some interesting learnings:

1.       Shopping begins at home – I have to have a list.  Your mind works great when you are looking at the fridge or cupboards, then freezes-up like a Naperville January when you’re rolling down the aisles.  Oh, I regain my steel trap memory the minute I set foot in the house.

2.       Getting a basket – Come on, a baskets a basket.  They all seem to have some interesting thing going on with one of the wheels.  I’ve learned to be ok with any type of noise as long as they can steer in the general direction I point them.  I initially enjoyed using the little “shelf” to place my wallet, list, pen (which I often hold in my mouth) and of course my tender vegetables.  Then I saw a TV special that did a swab test and found my little shelf had as much bacteria growing as a toilet lid.  I never would have thought parents might put their diapered kids there.  Care for a carrot?

3.       Pricing – I’m sure Jewel has a cross promotion going on with the Neuqua High School math department.  Every stop is like a different question on the SAT test.  They usually list the standard price and cost per oz (good idea), but then they add these different twists just to entertain you. 
- There is often a Jewel preferred card price (which they will usually give you if you look lost which I usually qualify for).
- then you have the “fers” 2 fer $5.55, 3 fer $8.88 or 4 fer $11.00.  These all require some ciphering.  They’ll even post a special “1 free if you buy 4” offer just to add a layer for you.  Oh, you don’t have to buy any certain quantity; the discount is good if you buy just one.
- Buy one get one free is an old school approach.  Don’t make the mistake of buying just one and expecting the discount, you got to take 2
- coupons, I’m not even going to go there
  I’m sure the employees take their breaks in front of the security  cameras watching their patrons doing math equations with calculators, fingers and toes.

4.       Aisle chaos – It’s worse out there than Rome at rush hour.  It chaos.  It’s out of control!  There are no rules, so anything is fair.  I’ve had to learn the hard way that the center of the aisle is only the passing lane and leaving the cart in the middle as you grab something will gain you a few stares and “accidental” cart bumps.  Be careful leaving an aisle and making the turn to the next one, it’s like making a left hand turn onto Naper/Plainfield from Bailey road.  You’ve got to peek out, then floor it.

5.       Check out – This is when I realize that I left my “green” reusable shopping bags in my trunk.  Drat, foiled again.  You always want to give them your Preferred Card to scan as I found out the hard way that the store’ / employee’s version doesn’t give you all of the discounts and you would probably never know.  They always seem to have the gum, candy, mags and assorted stuff that I forgot while shopping.  What a coincidence.

I’m going to get my degree.  As Henry Ford said “if you think you can do a thing or think you can’t do a thing…you’re right”.